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Webenue, LLC Privacy Statement

This is the official Privacy Statement of Webenue, LLC, a Florida Limited Liability Company (the "Company", or "We"). This statement pertains to all of the Company's brands and divisions including TrafficBoys, MarketingBoys, SafelistBoys, HitBoys, EmailBoys, FrugalBoys, CopySurgery and automatically extends to any future division or brand, unless a separate privacy statement is published on the brand's web site.

OK, that's all the legalese you're going to find on this page. I don't know about you, but I fall asleep reading privacy statements. They're too full of "Forwith" and "To As", and "Parties of the First Part" to suit me. You end up clicking off and hoping to God that you didn't just give someone permission to sell photographs of you in the shower to the National Enquirer.

You may have gone to Harvard Law School, but around here we're just a bunch of marketing and techno-geeks. So, without further delay, here is our no-nonsense, straight-up, no loophole Privacy Statement:

Collection of Non-Personal Data

The Executives that run this company are always bothering us to find out things like how many people stopped by today, what part of the world they were from, and did they manage to leave any money behind before they left. In order to keep them busy, and to guarantee that they keep doing things like buying coffee for our break room, we've installed software that tells them those kinds of things.

We track the company-owned domains that you visit, but we have no idea who "you" are. We are aware of you only on the bit-stream level. Our software is quite aware the you probably have a name, and an address, and a telephone number, but it is not rude enough to ask you for it. In fact, it doesn't even know how to ask you for it, so it's not as smart as those executives think it is.

We've heard rumors that the executives take this information and scurry off to conference rooms where they analyze it for their own purposes including, but not limited to, marketing analysis, evaluation of Webenue's service standards, and business planning. Since there really isn't too much else they could do with it, we suspect that those rumors are true.

Use of "Cookies"

Being enamored with those little Keebler Elves, we do a little cookie baking ourselves. Very little. In fact, we only use cookies to maintain session. Maintaining session simply means that your browser and our server have a way to remember who they are talking to and a way to send requests and pages back and forth to each other. Without session, your visit to our site would become confused with other people's visits and your browser might receive a page that someone else requested and someone else might receive yours. The confusion would get worse and worse until it resembled dinner conversation around my Uncle Angelo's table at Easter. The cookie has no idea who you are, and it wouldn't tell us if it knew. It is simply a randomly generated set of characters that act as a temporary name tag. The cookie crumbles when you leave our site.

Collection of Personal Data

If you are visiting one of our sites, and you find something that you just have to buy, you'll soon discover that we are more than happy to sell it to you. It is at this point that we start getting personal. In order to feed all of the computers up and down the credit card authorization food chain , we need to know things like: your full name, telephone number, email address, street address, city, state, zip, country, or the International equivalent of all that address stuff if you do not live in the USA. And, of course, we will need your charge card number, that stupid little "validation code" thingie they all have now, and your expiration date. Well, not YOUR expiration date, but your card's expiration date. We don't have any choice but to collect this information. You don't HAVE to give it to us but, if you don't, then you can't get that shiny new product or outstanding service that gives you so much value for the measly, low, low price that we charge.

Oh yeah, if you decide that you want to become an affiliate, and have us pay you a whopping commission every time you refer a new sale to us, then you are going to have to provide your Social Security number, if you are a U.S. taxpayer, or your Canadian Social Security number if you are a taxpayer from our good neighbor to the North. We need this information to keep the IRS or Revenue Canada fed, and to make sure that our Governments collect enough money to fund studies of the mating habits of the Greentailed Tax Sucker. Again, you don't HAVE to give us this information if you don't want to. But then we don't HAVE to pay you your commissions if you don't. And, in fact, we won't.

What we do with your Personal Data

Other than using it for all that purchase processing that we just told you about, we stuff everything, except for the credit card information, into an electronic shoe box ( also called a database) and keep it around for a few years in case the IRS wants to audit us or something. We might also send you an email telling you about some new great thing that we're selling, but only if you checked a little box telling us that it was OK with you, and further providing that you haven't unchecked that little box, at some later date, telling us that is was no longer OK with you.

What we do with your Credit Card Information

After feeding it into the banking system we eat it. Ok, we don't physically chew it and gulp it down like some sort of plastic taco, but we electronically shred it. Sometimes we have to keep it around if you bought something on a subscription plan where we charge you each month. In those cases, it is NEVER stored on our servers or any computer connected to our servers. We know that hackers are clever and relentless in their pursuit of credit card information. The last thing that we want is to have some Wall Street Journal reporter telling the world how someone bought a brand new Jaguar XK8 with your credit card that was stolen from our web site. The executives would definitely stop buying us coffee if that happened.

How do we Protect the Transmission of Sensitive Data

All sensitive data is transmitted from your browser, to our server, using SSL and Secure Certificates. This is the electronic equivalent of a little armored car that picks up your information and drives it along a whole bunch of long wires, and through lots of other people's computers, until it reaches ours and deposits the information into a secure data vault.. As it "vroooms" along the Information Super Highway, little armed guards protect the information from being hijacked along the way. That's how the geek in the next cubical explained it to me anyway. It's probably a little more technical than that, but you get the idea.

Who do we Share your Personal Information With?

Normally, no one. We don't have any of those "we share your data with approved marketing partners" clauses that so many sites have. Translated from legalese to English, that means that they will sell your information to anyone who comes along and offers the right price.

We don't have any marketing partners. Most companies don't like us anyway because we make fun of them, and their stupid privacy policies. They wouldn't partner with us if WE paid THEM.

Now, I did say "Normally, no one". There are some un-normal situations where we might share your information. For example, if the U.S. Marshals, or, say, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police showed up with a warrant ordering us to give them you're information, then you're hosed. There are no heroes here in cubical alley, and I can guarantee you that the executives aren't going to jail to cover your butt. So, if you aren't doing anything illegal, and that really is your credit card that you used, you probably will fall under the "Normally, no one" category. Be warned, however, that if you get bored some night and you decide that you are going to do terrible things to our server in an effort to give it a heart attack or something worse, then we're going to tell on you. When we do tell on you, you are going to get in a lot of trouble and we're going to say "Serves you right". So don't do anything stupid. The same goes if you send SPAM when you're advertising our site and the SPAM Police want to know who you are. We'll sing like a bird.

There. That's it. If anything we said isn't legal in your State or Government jurisdiction then, for that part, we were only kidding and we didn't mean it or we meant it, but we're automatically changing what we said to what the Government wants to hear. We're real serious about the other stuff though, so we still mean that.

Oh, one more thing. No lawyers were paid to write this, but we did toss 30 pieces of silver to one to read it over before we posted it and he says everything sounded right to him. He did suggest we add just one thing, so here it is:

This document may include company or product names, or marks, or registered marks, which are the property of their respective owners, and those owners are in no way affiliated with Webenue, LLC. or its brands or divisions.